Hey – a friend of mine, DJ Rish! is working on an article that articulates a dating strategy for the 30-something desi woman. I asked her to post it here first, so please share your comments.
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Hello Obvious Lawyer readers – I believe I am the first guest blogger here, and I am honored to speak to all of you. Fareesh tells me that there are only 3 or 4 readers, so I feel like we are friends already. So why am I here? Fareesh and I have been friends for a while (dated VERY briefly), and I was complaining about being single on one of our catch-up phonecalls. (I am a single brown early 30ish woman in Canada!) He convinced me to change my game up and think about dating differently. He told me to put my consultant hat on and pretend like I was giving dating advice to myself – what would I tell myself? I took his advice to heart, and started trying different things and came up with this paradigm-shift in the way I think.
I am posting on “The Obvious Lawyer” because I am refining my thought process for a possible magazine article and Fareesh begged me to preview it here. I am working different ideas into my dating strategies and some have worked better than others, but I would love to hear what other women think of my ideas. Feel free to comment good or bad and I hope to come back with part 2 of my dating strategy and some updated results. I call it “Manhunt”, so good luck and happy hunting!
1. Treat the Manhunt like a job. I know this sounds incredibly unromantic, but there is plenty of time for romance – once you get the man! Those of us who are successful career-minded women didn’t get there by floating around and “hoping” the perfect job would find us. We polish resumes, we network, we dress to impress, we make great first impressions, we actively jobhunt. In other words – we go get what we want.
When it comes to meeting men though, we suddenly assume these passive roles that we think we are relegated to. We nest with our single female friends, we go to the bars, we sit around sipping our Cosmos and getting more and more frustrated. Frustrated because the right guys aren’t even at the bar, and if they are, they aren’t approaching us.
I decided to change that. Being in my early 30s and single was not the way I imagined my life unfolding, and scarier still was I didn’t see an end in sight. I looked out at what was happening in my life, and I was scared that I was relying on blind luck to get married. I knew women who were 40, single and miserable, and I knew an equal number of women who squeaked across the marriage line with men that weren’t anywhere near the caliber they desired or deserved. I am taking an active approach and mindset not to be one of those women because I am changing my approach. I am going to find my man and make him fall in love with me.
Part one of the plan was to widen the possible dating pool. Right now I am swimming in a pond of single men surrounded by many other single women. I need to be swimming in an ocean!
Creating the Ocean
2. Take a leadership role in an organization or social service group that doesn’t focus on alcohol. I was one of the people who already thought I was doing this because I went to a few fundraisers and was part of cooking club. It dawned on me that the fundraisers were just another night out at the bar where we just spent more money on our drinks. I wasn’t really meeting new people. Most of the things I was doing was decidedly female and territorial, so it wasn’t working really working towards this goal either.
So I decided to do something completely different from what I normally did, and with no safety net. There are a ton of desi-minded organizations in Canada that cater to the politically-minded, socially conscious, medically interested, and artistic desi in all of us. I don’t know what organizations are out there for single women in the states, but a quick google search reveals SAALT, DRUM, Salaam theatre, South Asian Artists Collective, SAMAR which are similar groups and cater to desis of all interests. I know women, including myself 
have broader interests, but I wasn’t meeting a lot of single Indian men in my soccer league. So that activity was great and I love it, but it wasn’t part of my Manhunt.
I also decided it isn’t good enough to be a fly on the wall at these organizations. If I was going to meet someone, I had to be at the top of the foodchain so others would have to get to know me, and it would make networking more structured and mandatory. I could organize events, be in charge or membership, strategy – something. Insert myself into a small nucleus of people who I would otherwise never meet, and from those people I would spirulate my way outwards and meet other people. This wasn’t necessarily how I dreamt of spending some of the precious hours I had off, but my Manhunt was important enough to my life goals that I decided to bite the bullet and do it. I have increased the number of men in my dating ocean by dozens and dozens, and most of these men are not men I may ultimately date, but through them I will meet other like-minded folks. Besides, I don’t need to date dozens and dozens of men. If a few of these men turn out to be normal non-neanderthal guys, then this phase of the plan has succeeded. Sitting at home on my couch for the 10 hours per month this endeavor took would have done nothing to expand my ocean. Plus as an added bonus I was joining organizations I was interested in, so it was a good mental stimulus.
3. Use Facebook/Myspace for what God created it for! I have 300 facebook friends. Guys I have met once. Guys I have dated once. Girls who have great single guy friends. Girls who add every guy they go out for one drink with. Married people who are always looking to bring another into their club of misery. I have a veritable dating ocean right there every time I turn on my computer…and what have I done to take advantage of it? Nothing.
So I changed up the game a little bit. I talked to 5 or 6 of my most trusted male and female friends and enlisted them in doing my bidding. I clicked around on my friends’ pages and came up with a list of guys I thought would be good guys to get to know. They were cute, we shared the same interests, we had similar friends, all of the above, some of the above. I created a pretty big list initially. There were more men on my list then I could get to know, so I did a first cut and asked my friends to create an intro for me with my top 2-3 guys each. I figured this would expand my ocean by 15 guys instantly – guys who are pretty vetted, normal, hopefully in a good enough spot in life to get to know somebody great and witty like me! I ran this by a bunch of my guy friends and they thought similarly to me – they were open to meeting the right person, just not too fussed about initiating the process.
So I had friends I trusted and who were supporting me put together a quick personalized paragraph to the guy suggesting he get to know me. Now, obviously this required me to put myself out there and tell people I was single and looking. I know it sounds desperate but girl, you ain’t foolin’ nobody anyways! If you are brown and older than 27 and don’t have a rock on your left-hand, the sad reality we face is that everybody assumes you are looking and getting more and more desperate each passing year. Doesn’t matter if its true or not, it is what brown people are trained to think, so they will think that about you. Keeping it to yourself isn’t going to change anything, so I decided to stop fighting it, and decided I might as well take advantage of the environment.
So back to the social networking experiment. Of course there were a couple of friends who knew I was looking, but I hadn’t enlisted them into the Manhunt army. They were simply passive bystanders, not active soldiers. It was time to bring them to the front of the search party. Even those of you who think you have made it clear to your single friends that you are looking – if they haven’t introduced you to at least 2-3 guys each, they don’t get it. Time to bring it home to them. If the guy is initially interested he will take the bait. If not, time to move on. It wasn’t like he knew I was the one who put them up to it, and I was shocked at how many guys out there were open to being introduced. As a footnote though, this made me spruce up my profile a bit to ensure it was a sizzling portrait! (and of course, I had to stop restricting other people access to my profile, but that has not led to a flood of creepy guys trolling my page so that was a success).
If you are going to go this route though, you cannot take rejection personally. I know this is difficult, but you have to treat the Manhunt like the jobhunt. My dad used to tell me when I was looking for that perfect job – some will (like you), some won’t (like you), so what? I used to have the hardest time with this concept. Whenever a guy broke up with me, I had to, had to, had to know why??
I got an up close and tragically personal lesson in TMI when a guy I really liked broke up with me in college. I tracked him down until I finally got him to tell me why he broke up with me (yes, sadly, I was one of those girls who sat around wondering why he wouldn’t love me, and I couldn’t be satisfied until I knew – I just had to know…why…after this cautionary tale hopefully you will break that habit). After cornering this guy, he told me he broke up with me because he thought I wasn’t “goal-oriented” enough for him. He was a lame jackass who had no idea what he was talking about and now 12 years later I am a successful well-adjusted woman, and he is still bouncing around the Caribbean somewhere trying to sneak into medical school so fuck him, but my point is it was crushing at the time. I tried to figure out what I could change, and what was wrong with me. It took me a long time to realize I actually like myself, and I am not the problem. If a guy doesn’t want to date me, that’s fine, I am moving on. I don’t care why he won’t date me, I don’t need 100 men to want to marry me. I am secure enough now not to worry about it. I am treating rejection from a man the same way I treat rejection from a job – I put myself out there again and move on.
4. Join dating websites. I can hear the cringing now. It took me the longest time to get over this weird insecurity and put a profile up on a couple of dating sites. Not the typical Indian sites, though I have heard good things about those, but sites that cater to non-Indians too. I kept having this weird nightmare where I go to this bar, and some guy says, “hey, didn’t I see you on match.com? And I say coyly, “why yes you did.” Then he starts laughing and screaming to his friends. “Dudes I was right. This is the loser who was on Match.com!” Then everyone would start pointing and laughing and maybe my hips would expand or something. I don’t know, but it was stupid and irrational, and I have been on there for 2 months now, and no weird moments! No “match” yet, but some quality feelers, and a lot more confidence when I see the type of guys out there contacting me.
But putting myself out on a dating site was similar to actually putting myself out there to my friends. It made it real for me. Dr. Phil always says that if you are trying to lose weight or quit smoking or something, you should share your goals with other people so that you have this inherent social pressure to follow through. You can’t tell all your friends that you want to squeeze into that teeny weenie polka dot bikini by May, then sit around and order dessert when you go out to dinner! They are going to look at you like you lost your mind. Same way with the Manhunt. By telling my friends I was out there looking, it made me more focused and determined.
5. Say Yes to Dating! (One of Fareesh’s suggestions that I have adopted). In other words, never turn down a first date. Though after grudging negotiations, Fareesh agreed I could have rare exceptions. Basically he made a good point and once I agreed with his point he pinned me into this stupid logical corner. I told him I knew if I was going to be attracted to someone within seconds of meeting them, so I wasn’t going to go out with them if I wasn’t attracted to them. But then he pointed out that we could each name many couples and friends of friends (including himself) who ended up with people they initially didn’t click with. Obviously a lot of those couples ended up working out, and sometimes it takes a minute to get to know whether you are attracted to someone or not. If you reject people out of hand you are constricting the ocean, not expanding it (and Fareesh’s point #2 is coming in a second…).
The rare exceptions would be if somebody had a criminal record that you could verify or if he hates his mother. That’s pretty much it. Otherwise if somebody asks, I am going to say yes. If nothing else it is good practice. I am not a serial dater, and I don’t go out all that much, so it will be nice to get out there, get used to being treated well again, and bask in the flattery. If it doesn’t click after dinner – I am out. But I have promised myself I will try this. I always said I was open to anyone, but that was BS. It’s all about the Manhunt, and the way I was going about it wasn’t working for me, so might be time to change it up.
6. “Get over Yourself”. This is Fareesh’s second point. Like most single women, I had one list – “must have”. I had this unrealistic set of criteria that I had to find in a man, and if I didn’t, I wouldn’t settle. Of course I told myself that I was mature and realistic and I was willing to figure out what I had to have versus what I would like to have, but no….
My list started out Punjabi, tall, professional, makes more money than me, religious, never been married, none of my friends have ever dated him, and on and on, and on…I started to realize that the single guys who are in their 30s and fit this criteria aren’t dating me – they are either dating Priyanka or some 25 year old Indian pop tart perfect 10. I am not judging, but the game is way different for guys. So after constantly complaining about my bachelorette-hood to Fareesh he made me rank the things that were really important to me and put values next to them. I realized I was confusing issues, and completely mis-valuing criteria.
So my list of “Get Over Yourself Ladies”, includes – he is not Tall/Rich/Old enough…if you think this way – well, you know what I am about to say. I am not judging you – I AM you, or more appropriately, I was you. Here is what made me change the way I think…
Would I realistically date a tall white guy over a shorter brown guy? No – but when a short brown guy approached me at the bar I instantly shot him down out of hand. As F told me bluntly – I am not 25 years old anymore. At that age the size of my man-funnel (the mechanism by which I brought men from bar to consciousness) could afford to be very narrow. Now was time to expand the funnel (which is different then expanding the ocean if you are still following!). Plus, if its good enough for Nicole/Katie, anyone who dates Danny Devito, etc. who am I to be so artificially snobby? This idea in itself wasn’t depressing – I think I have a lot more to offer a guy then a 25 year old woman. I just need to get a guy I like to give me the chance to show him.
When it comes to a guy’s age, a lot of my friends wouldn’t date men younger then them. This I never had a problem with. The way I look at it, when a guy is 27 or 28, he is pretty close to being the man he is going to be. Not like I am 20 and he is 15 where he is going to leave me for his Wii. Besides, a lot of guys who are 27/28 are ready to settle down, but the brown pop tarts he is trying to get with are still playing the field like I was at 24/25, so they aren’t. Which leads these guys to us. Ladies, on a day to day basis, nobody is checking your IDs. Have fun and go for it if he is mature and ready to settle down. If you still aren’t convinced, send him to me!
Lastly, I was confusing issues when it came to requiring my men to earn more money then me. What I really want is someone who can engage me in politically and culturally interesting conversations. I don’t care what he earns, I am a secure woman, but I always equated salary with intelligence. Fareesh has cleared this up for me many times over! Everyone has to adjust their own list – for some people ethnicity or specific regions isn’t that important – but after a few glass of wine, I consciously adjusted a few of my criteria. Tall is really nice and so is the money, but I would sacrifice a few inches and a lot of $$ for a Punjabi.
My last issue where I would say Get Over Yourself is when it comes to dating guys your girlfriends may have dated (such a touchy subject amongst the sisterhood!) I am not talking about the guy she almost married, or the one you got to know well as her boyfriend – I am talking about the high quality guys she may have gone on one date with or hooked up with at some point, then moved on. Women can be so much more incredibly territorial than men that it makes me embarrassed for the better sex. If our goal is to expand our ocean, then we have to really look at how we act towards and treat one another. My friends have dated a lot of guys, so if I drop everyone of them that they went on a single date with, my ocean would shrink! Sometimes I think that we as women don’t want our friends to make a connection with anyone we ever considered because we secretly don’t want them to find happiness before we do. I know it sounds awful, but if I was being really honest, I would say that was how I felt whenever my girlfriends would ask about a guy I hung out with once. Obviously this takes a sensitive conversation with friends, but we are all adults and if they were truly your friends they will see how silly this territorialism is. My guy friends can get over it, and I have convinced myself I can get over it if my girlfriends date a guy I used to date. I have dated a few winners (not to brag!), and I know they have all moved on to happy relationships, why not with girls I really like? If some of the winners my friends dated were sent my way, maybe in my next post I will be saying the same about myself! And yes, I practice what I preach – I went on two dates with a guy and we didn’t click. Nothing major, just no sparks – but I told him about a friend of mine and I thought they might be a good fit. He actually had the confidence to call her, and they went out (sadly, didn’t work for her too…maybe he was just a dud). But the point is, oceans were expanded!
I hope what I have posted here doesn’t sound bitchy or desperate, because that is not how I am at all. I am not trying to sound better than any other single girl out there, the point in posting this is turning the mirror on myself – I am actually the worst. This sense of impending bachelorette-hood was not making me the greatest girl to be around. I had to do something different otherwise every morning I was staring at myself in the mirror trying not to freak out. By nature I am a positive person and I didn’t like the toll this was taking, hence the multiple conversations and the conscious change in my approach.
Before I actually forced myself to think about this rationally (back to the jobhunt analogy), I was telling myself that I knew what I could give for what I wanted, but I was not doing that. I would instantly yay/nay people without really thinking about it, and this is about not doing that anymore.
I hope some of these ideas help you, and hope you all take the time to share your feedback or your opinions. I would love to know what has worked and conversely what ideas you think you and your girlfriends would completely shoot down too. Married women – don’t be shy. It took a long time for me to accept that if I wanted to be successful in finding a man, I would have to do things a little differently and apply the same principles I had applied in areas of my life where I am more successful. It wasn’t easy coming to this point, but like the doctors say – admitting you have a problem is the first step in solving it! Hence the Manhunt. I am finally willing to give it a shot because what I was doing clearly wasn’t working.
Good luck and happy hunting ladies
